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4 Ab Exercises That Will Make You Wonder When You Last Swept Your Floor

It’s been…a while.

My vacuum broke months ago HAHAHA

It’s summer and I guess on top of everything else going on in the world, we’re supposed to have abs now. Here are four ab exercises that will make you wonder when you last swept the floor.

Bicycle crunches – Lay on your back, knees bent with both feet flat on the floor. Place your fingertips behind your head and move your left elbow towards your right knee as you pull your knee in towards your chest. Wait, is that a piece of popcorn under the couch? You don’t even eat popcorn. How long has that been there? You definitely vacuumed before your mom came to visit for Christmas but now it’s June. It can’t possibly have been six months, right? Do three sets of twelve reps.

Mountain climbers – Start in a plank position with arms and legs long. Pull your right knee into your chest, then quickly switch and pull the left knee into your chest as the right knee goes back. Continue to switch knees for 30 seconds. Rest for 20 seconds between sets. Look at your hands while you rest and notice the black outline on your palms. Are you a slob? Really think about it. Because you act like you have your life together, yet your floors are covered in filth. Did you know a messy apartment could be a sign that your mental health is in a tough spot? Are you doing okay? Why don’t you love yourself enough to create a clean living environment? Maybe abs aren’t a priority right now. Do two sets of eight reps.

Leg raises – Place your hands under your glutes and raise your legs up at a 90 degree angle, keeping them as straight as possible. Slowly lower your legs perpendicular to the floor until they hover one inch over the ground. Then slowly raise them back up… is that a tuft of dog hair under the table leg? You don’t even have a dog. It looks like Ginger’s hair but you and Eric broke up eight months ago and she hasn’t been at your place since. Do you think she ever wonders what happened to you? Gosh, that means you haven’t been on a date since October. That’s so long. I guess you also haven’t moved the furniture and mopped the floor in eight months. Maybe that’s why you can’t get a date. It’s a real chicken or the egg situation, but you should do three sets of six reps.

Supermans – Lay face down on the floor with your arms outstretched in front of you. This way your entire body will get covered in your own floor filth. I hope you aren’t wearing a white shirt! Keep your hands and arms straight while raising them four to five inches off the ground. Hold for five seconds, then return to the starting position. Isn’t dust mostly dead skin particles or something? Your body is slowly decaying and you’re doing crunches in a pile of your own skin flakes. Resistance is futile. You’re supposed to do three sets of fourteen repetitions but bail after the first one because you’re going to die anyway and no one will care about your muscle definition when you’re six feet under.

It will take about a month of doing these exercises four times a week before you see results. Is this even worth it? The world is on fire and children are in prisons. Do you actually care about having abs? Didn’t think so.

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