Daily Itinerary of Mark Wahlberg’s Daily Itinerary – The Belladonna Comedy
2:30 AM: Wake up in my sprawling French estate in Beverly Hills, complete with its most recent addition, an en-suite jacuzzi I was able to afford with my $1.5 million All The Money In The World reshoot money.
2:45 AM — Prayer time: Kneeling at the pew I have beside my nightstand, I continue to seek forgiveness from God for portraying a porn actor in Boogie Nights though I should be seeking forgiveness from anyone who has ever seen a movie of mine.
3:15 AM — Breakfast: I whip up a batch of quinoa and banana pancakes much as I whipped several Vietnamese men in the 1980s, which Hollywood and the general American public has been very quick to forgive.
3:40 AM — Workout: I work out my aggression by getting these sweet pecs ripped instead of throwing rocks and chasing young black children on the street.
6:00 AM: I shower for a full 90 minutes, the first hour which I spend singing “Good Vibrations” on repeat. The last half hour I spend furiously jerking off, which I’ll have to repent at confessional this weekend.
8:00 AM: Snack time! I eat five-hundred $100 bills because I was the world’s highest-paid actor in 2017 for my really great movies, Transformers: The Last Knight and Daddy’s Home 2, just some top notch films.
9:30 AM — Cryo chamber recovery: I strip down, naked like I was the day I was born. I have not been fully naked since. I close myself in my cryo chamber, a freezing cold container that is of my own creation, designed to both regenerate every cell, hair strand, and fiber of my being to ensure I do not fall peril to this mortal coil, and to make precisely accurate clones of myself. Every day, I make another fully accurate Marky Mark copy, from my completely forgettable acting skills all the way down to the nano-atom of DNA that comprises my homicidal tendencies. I emerge from my cyro chamber when the replication is complete, into a room filled with tens of thousands of Mark Wahlbergs. Perfection.
10:30 AM — Snack time: This time, it’s for Mark Wahlberg clone #43,560. I gently feed him a bowlful of hundred-dollar bills. He will need his strength when the time comes.
11:00 AM — Family time/Meetings/Work calls: While my family powers up and prepares to spend their first of two singular hours where we interact all day, I make my regularly scheduled phone call to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts asking them to pretty, pretty please let me back into Boston, I promise not to beat up more minorities!
1:00 PM: Lunchtime at Wahlburgers! A family* owned establishment created by me, Mark Wahlberg.
***Families of black, Latino, Asian, Indigenous descent not allowed.
2:00 PM — Meetings/work calls: I plead to Scottie, Hector, and Ace for a full hour to try and get Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch back together again!
5:30 PM — Dinner/family time: The Wahlberg clan sits together to chow down on a delicious meal of extravagant, affluent wealth and bloodlust.
7:30 PM: Bedtime for Marky Mark! I cast one last look at the half a dozen bedrooms filled with perfect replicas of me, Mark Wahlberg, the only man who could’ve stopped 9/11, before falling fast asleep.