Because every evil billionaire overlord needs an evil billionaire overlord compound to plan his world takeover in, Jeff Bezos has spread his cheeks and farted out a paltry $255 million to buy two massive properties in Beverly Hills. As Amazon’s accountants send the IRS a check of $0 in corporate taxes and Amazon workers slave away, Jeff Bezos will skip through his new Beverly Hills mansion while deciding which one of his many bidets will get the honor of licking his ass like it’s Sandra Lee’s ex. The Wall Street Journal reports that the emperor of America’s favorite brand has broken the California real estate record by buying the Jack Warner Estate in Beverly Hills. And because most of us haven’t seen just how big Jeff’s alleged big dick is, he had to show us by buying the place next-door too. It’s like the billionaire version of an Amazon add-on item.
Jeff Bezos, seen above giving you Dr. Evil’s evil dick smugness, and his maybe-fiancee Lauren Sanchez, seen above giving you Purge mask hotness, have apparently been looking for a little Los Angeles love shack for a bit. They have found not one piece of property, but two, in the neighborhood of Beverly Hills Post Office. Jeff bought the Jack Warner Estate for $165 million from fellow billionaire David Geffen. Jeff blew away the California real estate record set by Rupert Murdoch’s son Lachlan, who paid $150 million for The Beverly Hillbillies Estate in December 2019. Jeff’s purchase is the second biggest real estate buy in the country, behind the $268 million Manhattan penthouse that hedge fund billionaire Ken Griffin bought last year. I’m sure Jeff Bezos blew another huge loud (out of his dick) when he learned those two facts. Cut to Donald Trump texting his Russian boo Putin with a string of heart emojis before asking Putin if he can Venmo him $200 million for Valentine’s Day so he can show his nemesis Jeff Bezos up in the real estate game!
Variety explains Jeff’s little new 10-acre estate like this:
Geffen purchased the estate 30 full years ago, back in 1990, for $47.5 million. At that time, his splurge was reportedly the highest price ever paid for a home in the United States. He’s since extensively renovated the property, which encompasses nearly 10 flat acres — all of them fully landscaped with dozens of specimen trees, enormous swaths of grassy lawn, and a 1937 colonial-style main house that spans 13,600 square feet of living space. There’s also a separate, secluded pool complex area with guest quarters. Naturally, the whole spread — which is sited at the northern edge of Beverly Hills in lower Benedict Canyon — is walled, gated and protected with a state-of-the-art security system. The property is also surrounded by one of the tallest hedgerows in all of Beverly Hills.
This is what the front of the Jack Warner Estate looks like:
Jeff also picked up 120 acres of land called Enchanted Hill for $90 million. It’s just 1.7 miles away from the Jack Warner Estate. It was owned by the late Paul Allen who planned to build a compound on it, but that never happened. Although, that’s probably what Jeff and Lauren’s plan is. Can’t wait to see the pictures of Lauren using her gold shovel to break ground on their new 30,000 square foot tribute to Jeff’s ego.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Bezos is paying $90 million for the estate, which features a mile-long paved driveway and two gated entrances, one on Angelo Drive and the other on Benedict Canyon road. Presumably Bezos and Sanchez will eventually build a new mega-complex lovenest on Enchanted Hill, but as of now their exact plans officially remain a mystery.
This is what Enchanted Hill looks like:
Before his divorce, Jeff, who is reportedly worth around $130 billion (even after his divorce), and his ex-wife MacKenzie Bezos owned a 30,000-acre ranch in Texas, two homes in Medina, Washington, three NYC apartments worth a total of $80 million, and a mansion in Washington, D.C. It’s not known who got what in the divorce. And as of November 2019, Jeff was the 28th biggest land owner in America.
I live nowhere near Beverly Hills, but if I’m ever in the neighborhood, I’m going to ring Jeff Bezos’ front gate to “borrow” a cup of diamonds (read: the richies’ equivalent of sugar). I mean, with all the money I’ve spent on lube and beef jerky on Amazon, it’s the least he can do.