The Republican anti-poke mob sets its sights on Big Bird

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Wait a tick! I thought the bloody Dr. Seuss Wars of early 2021 taught us that canceling iconic children’s entertainers was the worst thing to happen to our country since President Obama disgraced America—and the whole of space-time—with that tan suit. Does Big Bird have to don blackface to get back in the good graces of Ted Cruz and the anti-poke mob?

I miss the days when we all agreed that unnecessarily spreading fatal and/or debilitating diseases to unsuspecting people was a bad thing. But as long as Republicans can squeeze 1.1 votes out of the electorate for every one registered Republican they kill, their anti-health crusade will continue apace. If the ratio ever drops below that, they may start to reconsider. But I wouldn’t necessarily bet on it.

So now the devoted Trump death cult has a hard-on for Big Bird. And not in the wholesome, quotidian way many longtime Muppet Show fans chub out to Janice from The Electric Mayhem. (Or so I’ve heard … people are saying.)

On Saturday, in the wake of the FDA’s approval of the Pfizer vaccine for kids aged 5-11, Sesame Street’s Big Bird let the world know he’d been vaccinated. And judging by the reaction from conservatives, you’d think he got caught masturbating in the cloakroom of an Olive Garden. Again. (I’m only joking! I don’t want to get a beatdown from the goons at the Children’s Television Workshop. Again.)

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For the nontweeters:

I got the COVID-19 vaccine today! My wing is feeling a little sore, but it’ll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy.Ms.

even said I’ve been getting vaccines since I was a little bird. I had no idea!

Great message, right? While kids are less susceptible to the worst ravages of COVID-19 than adults are, nearly 800 U.S. minors have died from the disease, and more than 8,300 kids aged 5-11 have been hospitalized. That might not seem like much, but it’s 8,300 more than have succumbed to the cruel ravages of critical race theory.

More importantly, COVID-19 is a communicable disease, and so when more people get vaccinated, fewer people catch and spread it. This is a really basic concept, so it’s weird that Ted Cruz, who went to Harvard Law School, simply can’t grasp it. Maybe he hit his head on an airplane hatch while trying to escape from Cancun.

Halting the spread of deadly infectious diseases is government propaganda now? Okay, Ted.

Of course, Ted wasn’t the only pro-death propagandist to raise his voice over this monstrous avian outrage.

Oh, noes! If children get this vaccine, they might think it’s okay to wear sunscreen and schedule a timely colonoscopy on their 50th birthdays!

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Oh, yes. Big Bird’s tweet outraged me so much I jumped right the fuck out of my chair—which was a piece of cake, really, because I never had polio.

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Yeah, the worst people in the country haven’t just latched onto this tweet. They’ve latched onto America, too. Like a lamprey eel.

Some day they’ll get tired of shilling for death and wander off. But not until they guide a good many of their fellow travelers across the river Styx. Which is fine, I suppose, since hell is clearly governed according to conservative principles. They’ll fit right in. 

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.





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