17 actually funny Christmas cracker jokes

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What Mr Claus said (Picture: Getty – Metro.co.uk)

‘Tis the season to cringe hard at the dinner table.

Like it or not, cracker jokes are a sacred Christmas tradition here in the UK.

Just like necking Chardonnay with breakfast – or falling asleep during the Doctor Who special – the day simply wouldn’t feel right without them.

So there must be at least some good cracker gags out there, right?

Here are a few funny, topical, faintly NSFW rib-ticklers, from my Christmas dinner table to yours.

17 actually funny Christmas jokes to make you laugh

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?

He keeps a log book.

What did the backing dancer serve up for Christmas dinner?

Twerky.

Alas, this one is just a turkey (Picture: Getty)

When is pizza an acceptable Christmas food?

If it’s deep pan, crisp and even.

Why does Santa’s sack bulge in every picture?

He only comes once a year.

What did 52% of Brits order for Christmas dinner?

No Brussels.

I wish I could afford Rudolph and blitzen decorations for my tree this year.

Alas, they’re two deer.

What did the Kremlin send MI6 in their Christmas hamper?

A mince spy.

How did the Three Wise Men figure out Jesus was exactly 6lb 9oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger.

A weight in a manger? Pure comedy gold, frankincense and myrrh (Picture: Getty)

What happened to the burglar who robbed an advent calendar factory?

He got 25 days.

Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?

He seems to know where all the naughty girls live.

Why did the Christmas tree lose its job at the blood bank?

It kept dropping needles.

Why did Santa’s little helper go in for counselling?

He suffered from low elf esteem.

What happened when Santa got stuck in the chimney?

He had an attack of Claustrophobia.

What does Prince George play at Christmas instead of musical chairs?

Game of Thrones.

Alright, alright. Leave George out of this. (Picture: Pool/Samir Hussein/WireImage)

Where can you learn how many points a snowflake has?

Metro.co.uk/blogs.

What did the drunk snowman say to the carrot?

‘Get out of my face!’

Why isn’t Donald Trump attending midnight mass this year?

Fake pews.


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