You may remember Jim Bakker from his ‘80s sex scandal, his subsequent financial scandal, his fake coronavirus-cure scandal, and his giant bucket of pancake mix, without which you’re sure to face a far less delicious apocalypse than God intends for you.
So you might think anyone who still listens to—much less believes—Bakker is especially gullible. And you’d be so, so right.
The latest? Bakker’s not fucking around anymore, folks. We’re talking straight-up zombies, yo. On Tuesday’s episode of Let’s Watch the Skin Boil Off All the Heathens While We Enjoy These Tasty Flapjacks, Bakker welcomed funnyman Steve Quayle to discuss demons, aliens and “diseases that are designed to initiate cannibalism in human beings.”
The conspiracy theories promoted by Quayle were so pervasive and convoluted that it was difficult to understand exactly what he was even saying, but he seemed to be suggesting that nasal tests for COVID-19 were part of a nefarious plan to obtain DNA samples to be used in the creation of targeted biological weapons that will unleash a disease to turn everyone it does not kill into flesh-eating zombies.
“Zombies that are on the Earth are a disease like any other disease that affects people, and they become like zombies. Is that right?” Bakker asked.
“That’s only part of the story,” Quayle replied. “Zombies also have the evil spiritual entity known as demon possession.”
Quayle went on to say, “The best way to explain zombies’ bloodlust is this: the appetite of demons expressed through humans. It should be astonishing to people that the richest people in the world—not all of them, but some of them—are into occult ceremonies where they have to drink, you know, blood that’s extracted from a tortured child. Now that’s sick, but that’s the appetite of demons expressed through humans.”
And for some reason, he wasn’t done: “If this is all wild stuff, why does the military have a manual about it, when it happens? Why does the CDC even have anything on their [website]? Remember, the Center for Disease Control—or Creation, I call it that, that’s my opinion. The whole subject of zombies could be just boiled down at one end to a genetically modified human that is no longer human on the level that you and I or a living being is. Then that corpse, that walking—animated, there’s a better word, it’s not living—an animated corpse is possessed by a demonic entity. That demonic entity has knowledge, it has sentience, it has—how do I say this?—there’s a purpose to do nothing else but to destroy, and I think that’s the easiest way I can explain it.”
You mean there’s a more complicated way to explain zombies? I’m all ears, man.
There’s more in this video, if you have the stomach for it:
I don’t really know what Quayle is driving at here, but I can only assume he’s skeptical of the COVID-19 vaccines as well. Because they would probably turn you into a zombie, too, and then it will be another nine months of quarantining before Pfizer develops an anti-zombie vaccine, whose side effects will almost certainly include lycanthropy.
But, yeah, this is why we can’t have nice things. Jim Bakker has a show and people are stupid enough to support it. That tells you a bit more about this country than you or I can probably handle.
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